There’s a ridiculously silly dice game 12 of us play once a month called Bunco.  However, it is more “affectionately” known as Drunco because of all the drinking that goes on.  After over a year and a half of attending these get togethers, I went to my first one sober last night.  I really didn’t know what I was going to do with myself.

I walked in a bit late, hoping that the initial socializing part would be over so that we could just get down to the business of rolling those dice, and I could avoid the alcohol temptations.  But, there were the buckets of ice filled with white wine, the bottle of a pretty pink vodka, and all the half filled wine glasses dotted around the room… I headed straight for the food, thinking to myself, I will just keep myself busy eating.  After I crammed as much food in as I could in about two minutes, I still felt naked without that glass in my hand, and headed to the unopened bottle of club soda.  The soda sprayed all over me as I opened it, and I was thinking, ‘wow, this wouldn’t have happened if I had just poured myself a glass of wine’.  My next thought was, ‘I’m making a mess, and I’m not even drunk!’  Ahhh…early sobriety.

What I found disturbing was how difficult it was to carry on a conversation with these gals sober.  I know most of these women only through this group, and had probably never had a single sober conversation with a lot of them.  It bothered me that I was not the social butterfly that I thought I was.

For the next two hours, I was painfully aware of how painfully aware I was.  I counted every drink everyone had, noticed how much water they drank, or didn’t drink in between glasses of wine.  No one got drunk.  Was it always like this?  Was I the only one who ever got drunk??  As soon as the last dice were tossed, and we counted our winnings…I was the first one out of there saying I needed to get home.  I felt awkward.  As I backed out of a 1/4 mile driveway, a smile started to spread across my face.  I surely couldn’t have maneuvered this driveway if I had been drinking.  I had made it, a  night socializing without alcohol.  When I checked facebook this morning, some of the gang had gone out to a local bar to continue the party.  The last time they did this, I had joined them and hubby had to come get me from the bar, and the night ended in a blackout.

But this morning, I woke early, and was able to spend a half an hour with my older daughter (who recently moved back in due to a break up with her boyfriend) and was able to be present for her, and spend a little time chatting with her before she had to leave for work. I was able to go to the gym and have a great workout.  At home this morning I was able to call a friend who’s mother had just died and lend her some support, I talked to another friend and was able to be fully present and compassionate as she told me about her sister who is suffering from cancer, and another call to my mom, and yet another to my younger daughter who graduates from college tomorrow.  All of this I was able to do because I was not hung over.  And, for this…I am grateful that I had a Bunco night, and not a Drunco night.



Day Three-how to tell a loved one?

Felt so great waking up this morning!  Slept 9 hours last night…guess I needed it.  Went to the gym for a great 2 hour workout, I had so much energy!  I haven’t had a workout like that in months.  I’m feeling committed, and a new resolve.  My hubby has been out of town, it’s been easier to tackle my demons on my own, instead of worrying about how he is, and how he’ll take things.  I haven’t even told him I’ve decided to quit.  He’s coming home tonight, and I’m a little worried about how to have this discussion with him.  I hate telling people that I’ve  quit drinking, because my MO has been to not make it past a few days…so I’m not sure I even want to discuss this with him.  On the other hand, would love his support and to have him not have him drink so much around me.

A little history:  A few weeks after I met hubby, I started drinking again after 2 years sober.  And, while I did tell him that I had experienced drinking issues in my past (twice in rehab) I said that I was in a period of moderating my alcohol, but that there was a chance I would have to stop again if it became an issue.  Now, I’ve never been one to start drinking in the morning, or had DUI’s, or ran around downtown naked or anything.  But, I’ve had my share of blackouts, hangovers, not knowing what I’ve said to who, and just never got caught driving drunk.  Basically, I like to drink my wine (preferably white) every night, until I am comatose.  

Back to hubby.  Well, we got married about 3 months ago, and I just find myself sliding back into my old ways, a bottle of wine nightly (a lot for someone 5’2″ and 105 pounds!)  We’re still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase of our marriage, seeing each other through rose colored glasses, and me still trying to be on my best behavior.  But, I have been feeling that self loathing that comes with being alcoholic, my self confidence at an all time low, the feeling trapped and imprisoned by my addiction.  Ugh!  So, how do I tell him all this?  Tell him that I need to do this, for me.  Will he be disappointed that we can no longer share a bottle of wine together?  How supportive will he be?  I’m afraid that things will change between us, that we won’t be as close as we were.  

Reading other blogs, I try to decipher how people in recovery have managed their relationships with their loved ones, how things have changed, how they take care of themselves without letting their spouses drinking interfere.  Hubby is not alcoholic, but he does like his wine once in a while…  how will I manage?  One day at a time I suppose, but I guess the first step is in telling him what’s been going on for me.  

And Again

Just read “don’t want to do early sobriety again.”  Having gone through this twice already, once for 4 years, and once for two, I absolutely understand how that feels.  And, yet, here I am again.  I can barely string together two days of sobriety, waffling back and forth with thinking I can control it, and proving to myself (again) that I can’t.  Yet, with each failure comes the realization that I cannot control this… I DO need to give up completely.  There can be no ‘one drink’ at dinner nights, nor inviting a girlfriend over for a glass of wine.  As romantic as I can make those possibilities sound to me, they are fantasies.  

I will make another attempt at the 100 day challenge.  I will continue to read the inspiring blogs, and will feel that freedom from alcohol once again.

The Struggle-Day One

Woke up (yet again) feeling remorseful.  After consuming a whole bottle of wine by myself, alone, feeling that alcohol brain fog and vowing, yet again, to not drink tonight.  After several periods of sobriety in the past 15 years, once for 4 years, once for 2 years.  I am coming to the conclusion again, that I need to quit drinking.    I am going to try something different.  I’ve never blogged, but need a place to connect with like minded people, hear their stories and have a place to express what I’m going through, and perhaps be able to hold myself accountable.  After reading several other blogs, I feel a new found resolve to quit drinking again, and am hopeful that with the help of fellow bloggers, I will be successful.